Growing Pains

This is our year of growing pains.

And yes: our year. One of my biggest lessons on my journey into motherhood - matrescence - has been a perspective shift. I am learning to see less of life through my own growth and more through ours as a family. We are a unit. What one of us feels we all feel.

This year Wilder has experienced the greatest of physical growing pains. From nearly tripling in size and weight, to teething, to learning to stand and crawl, he is the greatest miracle of all. I see his pain when he is struggling, but mostly he is pure joy, exploring funny sounds and laughing and nuzzling his head into me with a now toothy smile (two front lower teeth).

My sweet husband has not only taken on the role of a father but as a main provider with the extra stress of an American sized hospital bill and health insurance. He is taking over the family business and all that comes with it. While I’m working part time (sometimes less, sometimes more) and covering most of my own personal costs, it’s not the split it was before. That is one of my many growing pains: not being the business woman I was before.

There are many as a mother, but I’m learning to accept them with grace.

It’s still important to acknowledge the hard moments. Sometimes my body and mind are tired and overstimulated from caring for another, and I yearn for some peace and quiet to do creative work. Those are my hardest moments. I gently remind myself that there are more of those to come and find creativity where I can. We find ways to get things done, and I find ways to work and find my place in the world. It is wild and sometimes I wonder if people realize the magic I pull off every day. Every mom is a magician. I remind other women of their own magic as often as I can.

And of course, in this growth, there is still grief. I mourn and am more like my father daily. I have been trying to worry less and have more fun. I am taking myself a little less seriously while also learning to speak my needs. My dad was never one to be uncomfortable, unhappy, or let things slide that matter to him. I’m working on that. It does not come easily to me but the fun and laughter do.

Amongst our growing pains, the days have become shorter. I am embracing this as well. Cuddling more, lighting candles, playing Nina Simone on the record player. Our first elf on the shelf watches over us and soon my mom will join, then later, one of my brothers and his family for Christmas. I’m sure some tears will be shed with laughter to make up for it as usual.

Growth is deeply uncomfortable, but as I watch my little Wilder explore and get into trouble, I see that it is beautiful (albeit terrifying) as well.